The month of April and May were both very hectic a month for me. Schedule was tight as there were a few competitions to attend to as well as the urgent need to turn to my studies. Teachers turned my sister and I in for several competitions for some reasons I don't know why. There are, I suppose , students who are way better than me. But anyhow, I considered it an opportunity and decided to go for it. I have intended to join the competitions in order to win it, I mean who wouldn't intend to win when joining competitions? but what I've went for intentionally had then landed me on a pool of disappointment *sobs.. I didn't do well in the Preliminary Level in the online National Science Challenge (NSC), didn't make it to the third round in an inter-school Scrabble Competition , and didn't take home a single prize after attending Kem Pemilihan Tokoh Nilam. Calling to my mind all my failures, I literally burst into tears the other day. I cried so much my eyes swelled until the following day. I have failed to live up to my teachers' and peers' and family members' expectations. That day onwards, I have promised to never again join any competitions, because all they ever did was drain my sense of courage and that iota of self-confidence I had in me. I hated myself so much upon pondering on how useless I am.
Nonetheless, I do have a slight notion that my failure is not all that solely due to my carelessness, stupidity, and how I am easily overcome by emotions. Speaking about me being easily overcome by emotions (a little divergence here), my sister and I are especially overwhelmed when doing something we refuse to give up in . Not forgetting to mention, there's even a video recorded on how we were playing our game during the aforementioned scrabble competition. That video left me stupefied. Back to the point, I do, at times, when contemplating at the past, think that I was somehow destined to loss in the competitions I took part in. For instance that serve more than just proof, in the NSC competition, I was doing quite good all along until my school's internet server gave way to the large number of students who had also came to participate in the challenge. Then there's this inter-school Scrabble competition I joined. The rules the hosts came up with were not just a little deviating from the original ones but boy was it F***ing a lot! (sorry for my offensive language, like I said, I'm easily overcome by emotions). My sister and I had really been practicing hard the night before the day of the competition, taking note of the rules, the does and don'ts and existing words that include difficult consonants(a.ka power letters) like the letter Q and J. To our surprise, the competition was so not what we thought it would be like. The following were among the stupid rules we were introduced to;
- Two-letter words are not allowed
- Not allowed to use a scrabble dictionary
- If you're not gonna keep up with 10s in building a word, than F*** off! You miss a precious turn!
I believe we have practiced really hard for that competition. My sister and I matched against each other the whole day, abandoning our books and playing Lexulous , a fun, online scrabble-like game. We learned new words, foreign words, English words that were unbeknownst to us, and the ultimate two-letter words! But the forged rules were like "hell no!, you're not getting anywhere with that vast knowledge you acquired in this game, recently." So, yeah, basically, we were sort of condemned that day. Then, there's this Kem Pemilihan Tokoh Nilam. To put it all in concise words, the facilitators there were showing a little too much a favour for that outstanding and one-in-a-million Malay girl, who was just plain impressive. Raihanah was her name. She was fluent and well, proficient in English. I liked her a lot. But still, I think I have done pretty good and should have won, if not for the first place, at least the second place or the third place.. but to no avail. Seeing my crestfallen mother only left me drenched in something more than disappointment-depression, to say the least.
After a string of disappointment, exams were next to stress the hell outta me. I hope you understand how I mean to emphasize on the remarkable degree of stress I've undergone by means of these not-so-very-nice-words "..stress the hell outta me". I'm sorry but I'm not all that adept in the English vocabulary to convey some of my inexplicable feelings, so I resort to using some not-so-very-nice-words instead. Form 4 is ABSOLUTELY and REMARKABLY distinguished from the lower forms. If you're a Form 1, a Form 2 or a Form 3 reading this entry of mine, then do take note that Form 4, a stage that makes you no longer a sophomore or a freshman in Malaysian public high schools is also a stage of immense stress you'll have to deal with. Exams are really tough, it is almost impossible to abstain yourself from copying. Well that's true in my case and also that of my classmates. The school holidays have begun and I just wanna rest on my laurels and just do what I love most. I can't imagine the stressful and hectic schedule I would have to get back to when school re-opens. I almost certainly dread the next exams. Ugh. I am just waiting, waiting for that beautiful day in which I would proclaim liberty over myself-it is the day I end school, legitimately,forever...