Bits and pieces of my life
Hopelessly hopeful

Hope: Though it dies out at some points in our lives, 
it is  nevertheless still beautiful. 
Hope springs eternal in the human heart. Embrace it. 
Love every moment of it. Cherish it. Nurture it.
Looking back at my Google Keep notes, Blogger drafts and random memos to myself dated a few days ago, I realized I have been very soaked in a deep sense of self-loathing and hopelessness. This was just a few days ago. I remember. I can still clearly recall how I had felt. I remember curling myself with my blanket into a burrito of sadness in my bed feeling nothing but sheer hopelessness. Though I have learnt to pick myself up and move on, I can still feel the stinging numbness I felt that day.

I have just finished submitting scholarship application forms. About 14 of them in total. I was very, very hopeful. I was beaming with this inexplicable ray of hope from day 1 I received my SPM results. I felt like my result slip was the ultimate ticket to landing myself in a university to pursue a pre-university course. 7A+ and 2A's. That was more than anything to me although I had initially hoped for 9A+. Little did I know that my result slip I had would gradually die out of its radiance and that it would be appealing to maybe just a few. Not a large sum as I had expected. My result and the personal statement I wrote in which I had carefully placed emphasis on how I was financially desperate; It meant nothing to some, as far as I know. They want more from you, more than just academic qualifications, excellent track record and financial  desperation. They want to invest in only the brightest they can pick for their personal and long-term gain, even if it means dismissing an applicant who could potentially be a contributor and someone who obviously comes from a financially-strained background. The figure can be awfully more if luck really isn't on my side. Yes, luck. It is now a matter of whether luck favored me or not.

But no, mind me I only said 'luck' out of frustration and hopelessness. I do not want to lose sight of hope as it was hope that had kept me going all this while. It helped me have faith that the unpredictable will be of, if not for the best, a decent outcome. It helped me move on. It motivated me even when things were seemingly falling apart. It thought me to never give up. It lit the way for me even in the darkest of times. It led me through my fears and worries. It assured me happiness and ultimately, it gave me solace.

This source of hope? It was God. Despite the many times I have failed Him, He had never let me down. He was always there to reassure me that everything is going to be alright, if only I have faith in Him. 

I struggled. I had given my best. I got what I wanted. I want this next thing set right but the path seems blurry. 

I guess I would just have to hang on to something so simple yet powerful- Hope

Labels: ,

Newer Posts Older Posts