Estranged from my acquaintances, friends, lover, family...
I don't know if I were meant to be estranged from everyone and the rest of the world. Maybe not the rest of the world, just people. I do find joy, solace, and whatever synonyms there are that attribute to the security I experience behind closed doors, in the confinement of the four walls of my own room.
I don't hate people. Neither do I disapprove of their company. I just find it exhausting to be around people because I innately feel the need to be able to jump into people's shoes to experience what they're experiencing so I could truly understand what all the fuzz and buzz in their conversations are about, thus, deliver appropriate response. I feel the need to do this all the more to fit in because of the fact that I already am estranged- with the way I work things out, how I act on my own, etc. Simply put, I can't spontaneously associate with people's experiences, feelings, etc so I would try my level best to understand them or abandon the whole mission altogether and dissociate.
Because on my own I think I can't fully understand another person, I in turn feel insecure when I give out my thoughts. My mind would be plagued by the 'what if's' of people not being able to comprehend me in addition to the insecurities I already have about myself such as my unnaturally fast-paced speech, unintelligible words in between, among many others.
It's not just about not being able to understand the context of people's talk. Often a time when I am able to understand a few parts, I inadvertently think of WHY the subject in question was necessary to be brought up at all. I try to battle with my mind that if I am going to keep thinking about everything in that manner, what is left to talk about? I mean, from a logical perspective, people don't just consider bringing up a topic because it's worthy of having the spotlight. They do so to share thoughts and experiences, mutual understanding and to forge new relationships or coalesce existing ones among people they care about.
The above anecdote is a very typical cycle of thoughts I have in my day-to-day encounter with friends and college mates. Obviously, the problem is something of only my concern since it has only my discordant internal responses involved. Like what my twin sister would always say, "..get over with it, it's all in your head".
You might say the same. Everyone else might say the same. The truth is, the problem of having all these insecurities trajected at one from every corner is like an ailment that is hard to cure. And I have plenty of these. Sometimes when all else fails in curbing the devils inside me, I like to think that maybe it's something innate. I like to think that everyone's unique and that I'm no exception.
Maybe I found my abode in solitude. Maybe I'm an introvert. Maybe I'm an asocial. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Maybe I'm all of the above.
Maybe I'm all of the above.